Roadrunner Speed at Time Warner Cable

I've been on hold with Time Warner Cable for 30 minutes. Fortunately I'm using a headset, so my hands are free for more productive activities, like writing this post.

I have to wonder how long it will take for a human being to take my call and explain why a recent bill contains a double-billing error. Since the $748.66 payment should have been half that much and has already been automatically deducted from a corporate credit card, this is a serious problem that only a live human being can solve. So I'm holding.

Every five minutes or so, the Terms-of Endearment-inspired musack is interupted by a robot voice that assures me, "the next available representative will be with you shortly." But what does "shortly" mean exactly? Thirty more minutes? Two hours? I'm really not quite sure it means, considering the circumstances.

The robot also informs me that my call may be monitored or recorded "to help ensure quality service." But how does recording my future conversation with a Time Warner customer service representative make up for the lack of quality service I'm experiencing right now? right fucking NOW? Or the $374 that has already been mistakenly charged to a corporate credit card? And what if the line gets disconnected before I'm able to have my quality assurance monitored session with Time Warner? Then I will have to call back and start all over and these 40 minutes of holding will be a complete waste.

And what about the waste of my time? Even though I'm using a headset, what if I had to go to the bathroom after, say, 20 more minutes of holding? If I thought, "Well, I've been holding for 45 minutes now, so if I dart down the hall for five minutes, odds are I'll still be holding, right?" Wrong. If I dart down the hall, the call will be answered. But if I don't dart down the hall, it won't be answered. Murphys Law. The call will NEVER be answered as long as I'm sitting here. But the minute I leave, it will be answered.

After the musack plays again for a minute or two and the prior two messages have recycled a few times, a different robot interrupts with what sounds like a sincere message of apology: "We're VERY sorry you're still on hold. We appreciate your patience and look forward to being of service to you." But how sorry are they really? Sorry enough to give me a $374 credit instead of the $374 mistake? I really want to know how they will demonstrate their remorse for all this time I've spent on the phone, and that alone keeps me on the line.

As if these messages were not annoying enough (I've heard them each about twenty times now), Time Warner also punctuates my holding time by trying to sell me things like digital cable, high-speed online service, new ways to save money, bundle packages called 'all the best', three different levels of roadrunner speed, power to control over 200 channels and watch what I want, when I want. "That's the power of YOU," I'm told. But why would I purchase ANYthing else from Time Warner when what I really want is for them to answer my frickin' billing question with roadrunner speed?

Wait, I think I get it. After holding for an hour or so and hearing ALL the sales pitches, someone will take the call. By then I will have been subliminally influenced by the repetitious ad pitches and willing to buy anything, ANYthing at all, from Time Warner Cable. The power of me is really the power of them. But now it's 5:00 and time for me to go home. Despite my 60 minute investment in this phone call to Time Warner, I would rather go home. Still, I'm tempted to put the call on hold just to see -- I mean just for the hell of it, okay -- if the call is STILL HOLDING when I get back in tomorrow at 9:00!

Well, this is why I have a job. Because the billing problem is still not solved, and I can look forward to another Time Warner phone hold tomorrow. God bless America.